Why Up sucks.

Up (2009)

There is a reason why I never trust reception of a Pixar film, that reason being the subject of this; Up. When the reviews first rolled around for this film all I read was, “masterpiece” or “the best of Pixar” which is what I hear from every newly released Pixar – bar the horrifically beaten Cars and the god-awful sequel. Sadly, the hype has stuck and people genuinely like this movie, why...? There are moments in life when you come to realise that the majority and known truth is right. If the whole world thinks the world is flat, it is flat. But movies like Up and Toy Story 3 come along and get the slap of approval and blind nostalgia love like there is no tomorrow, you just simply can’t believe opinions cannot be wrong. Nostalgia is one of the best feelings you can have, everyone seems to be grabbing on to their old memories of Toy Story and pretending they haven’t become cynical assholes. So why is Up crap?

It’s weird, I mean really, really weird. Law #1:

Realism

+

 Weird

 =

 Good

Weird

+

Weird

=

Bad

That’s exactly Up’s problem. It has a great, touching idea, than just grabs onto some random crap and everyone feels the need to eat it up – pun intended. Let me explain how Law #1 plays a role. A man falling in love with a women and planning big, then never reaching those dreams and happiness sparks a lust for life and a mid-life crisis (old-life crisis?) – good, realist and made for the best scenes of Pixar in it’s About Schmidt-ish way (but for kids). Now you add in a floating house – crazy, but its okay, they had a good opening. We have a good movie so far, perhaps the best of Pixar and one of the best animations wait, don’t forget to add a talking dog and a giant fictional bird and an army of talking dogs and a giant military zeppelin and an aging celebrity living in South America living with the army of talking dogs. WHAT?!

We had a beautiful, touching movie that was in the running for the GREATEST animation ever, and you add an army of talking dogs? It’s as if they just wanted to make the balloon idea and had no idea what else to add, but seriously, if you were in a room discussing what happens next, would you not laugh at the idea of an army of talking dogs coming into the equation, would you not fight the group of idiots who actually push this idea forward, would you not jump right out that room’s window falling from that presumably high building instead of allowing a team of formerly brilliant writers to add TALKING DOGS to the new film? I know it’s a kid movie and you need to have some unrealistic mush because the real world is too sad and depressing, but that’s the whole point of the floating house hanging on some balloons. It’s because of all the film’s emotion, beauty and just pure realism shown in such an immaculate way (I’m talking about that letterbox scene, what a scene! ) are just plain and simply thrown out the window for when a plot so ridiculous it wouldn’t show up in the worst of films, but joins the lines with such films as, “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” Just think of it for a second,
“Old Man conquers the army of talking dogs while in a flying house.”

Note: Long sentences = irony.

“Yeah sure,” says the mindless Pixar fanatic, “But Up is a heartfelt adventure impeccably crafted and told with wit and depth...

Blah

Blah

Blah.”

Yes, the first thirty minutes is just pure gold, which is why this isn’t the worst movie ever, but it’s the last hour which is why this is not a brilliant movie, or even a good movie.   

5/10